God Is Near to the Broken Heart

The story below comes from Leslie G. and is a testimony to the faithfulness of God in keeping His promise of being near to the broken heart from a divorce she never saw coming.

On March 31, 2007, I walked down the aisle, stood in front of 150 people and committed myself to my best friend.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.  As the years went on we added two beautiful girls to our family and I became a stay-at-home-mom. Life as I knew it was great. Seven years into our marriage, life took a turn. Our marriage was under attack and on September 27, 2014, my husband decided he wanted to separate. I was knocked off of my feet. Life as I knew it had instantly crumbled.  It would have been one thing if I saw this coming, but I didn’t.

Before he left, we were actively searching for a single family home and I officially resigned from my position as a classroom teacher to stay home and homeschool our girls. To say I was shocked is an understatement. There were many nights I laid in bed alone, thinking, crying, worrying, wondering, and questioning. “God, why would you allow this to happen?”

My husband was my best friend for over 10 years, my soulmate. I thought we did everything right. We attended small groups, we went to marriage conferences, we faithfully attended church, we had accountability partners, we read marriage books and discovered our love languages. We even prayed together almost every single night.

The next question I asked was this, “what was the point of even getting married to begin with, if this was going to happen?” Then it hit me. If we had never married, I would not have my two girls. They were the only reason I got out of bed in the morning when deep down I wanted to sleep the day away so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain.

I knew what God wanted of me; He wanted my heart. When God allowed my marriage to end, I had to  fix my eyes on Him. I had to trust that truth while I was in this waiting period. God was molding me, and pushing me to the breaking point, so I could fall to my knees, cry out to Him, and TRUST that He was the one directing my life.

The days went on: the birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and of course our anniversary.  Each time my therapist would say ” just do your best to get through it. Life will not stop.” I prayed everyday. I prayed that God would restore my marriage and that we would have an amazing story to tell. I prayed that God would give my life direction. I prayed that I could teach my girls how to be a good wife even though I felt like I had failed. I prayed that my children would not bear the scars of being raised in a broken home. I prayed that God would use the pain I was going through to one day encourage someone else. I held on to hope for my marriage and I held on to Romans 8:28 “in all things God works for the good.”

The days seemed to be getting brighter. I wasn’t finding it so hard to get out of bed. And then February 27 happened. Exactly five months after he left, the words I prayed I would never hear, came out of his mouth: “I want a divorce.”  I remember hearing him say those words and immediately it was as if I was in a fog. I didn’t hear anything else he said after that. That night I went up to my pitch black room, fell to the floor and cried inconsolably. The pain burned in my chest. I raised my hands to God and the only thing I could pray was “help me, help me.”  The next morning I woke up feeling like I was back at square one, but over time I realized I wasn’t.  God knew I was strong enough at that point to hear him say those words, and over time, I started to really believe that “in all things God really DOES work for the good.”

I watched a movie not to long ago and at the end someone said “if only we had a God’s-eye view.” All I see is what is happening in this present moment, but God is able to see the good that will come of this. Early into my seperation, I was driving in the car with my girls. I remember looking out the window and saying, “Look at all the gray clouds in the sky.” Without missing a beat, my daughter said “Don’t worry mommy, one day the sky will be blue again.” And she was right. The sky will be blue again. But it’s not about waiting for the clouds to roll away, it’s about living each day through the storm.

There is still so much for me learn in this season of life I am in.  I no longer pray for the season to end, but instead I pray that God will illuminate my eyes to everything He wants to teach me while I am in this waiting place. I am not through this storm yet, there is no happy ending of reconciliation that I know of, but there is me. I am still here, I am still standing, I am a mother, I am daughter, I am a sister, and I am a friend. Most of all I am a child of God, and knowing that, allows me to live a life of peace, hope, and even joy.